Friday, January 11, 2008

Hard Day--Full of Hope

I can honestly say today was one of the three hardest days of my life.

The first was in November of 1990, the day I left my four month old, first born son and my husband for Desert Storm.

The second was April 14, 2004, the day I watched my 56 year old mother leave this earth to join our Heavenly Father in eternity.

And now today. My heart is raw. My soul is aching. We admitted our oldest son into a 12-15 month faith based residential treatment program.

Once we made our decision, we had a whirlwind of paperwork, doctor's appointments, phone calls, etc. I didn't have time to really think about what was happening. No time to think about how we would feel. It hit me hard this morning. I found him sound asleep on the sofa. Apparently he had a hard time sleeping last night. While everyone else was in bed, he stayed up. He was all alone to contemplate what was about to happen. I just wanted to pick him up, hold him, rock him, and kiss his fears away. To fix what was wrong. I used to be able to do that for him. I felt helpless as I watched him sleep.

When I looked around the room, I found my two little boys (ages 11 and 10) snuggled up on the love seat close by. It was 5:00 a.m. The told me they had just come downstairs, they wanted to spend some time with their brother before he left. I realized I couldn't fix their hurting hearts either.

Then the baby woke up. It was as though he knew his big brother needed an extra dose of love. He sat and snuggled with him for a long time. Next, the girls. Hugs, kisses, more hugs and kisses. Tears welled up but I was able hold them back. I wanted to be strong.

And I was strong. Until my other teenage son said goodbye. They hugged, for a long time. When they both started to cry, I was no longer able to stay strong. The knot in my throat grew so large I thought I would choke. I couldn't breathe. Until I let the tears go.

The rest of the day was emotional. Admitting him. Leaving him. Coming home. He was no longer here. Carrying on with life. Wishing things were different.

I can't believe we have a child who needs more help than we can give him. I can't believe that we have a child who has chosen a life of self destruction. I can't believe our child is in a treatment facility.

But today we have hope. Hope for his future. Hope that God can heal his hurts and his addictions. I pray that this program is what he needs to overcome his weaknesses. And I am so thankful that we only admitted him to treatment. Many parents have buried children who have followed his same path.

If the Lord brings him to mind, would you please pray for him? He is in a blackout period for the first two weeks. We can't speak to him or see him. Pray that he will turn to the Lord for comfort and peace.


  1. Hi Michelle,
    I will pray for your son and Peace for your family. Could you please e-mail me when you get a chance? I want to tell you a story.

    PS: I got to you thru Chris' blog.

  2. Michelle-
    Hi, I just checked your blog for the first time, and my heart is aching for you and your family. As a Mother, I can only feel the pain not to be able to comfort your child. As I read your words, I felt my chest get heavier and heavier just knowing how hard that must have been for you. Please, know that we are praying for you and yours to get thru this especially hard time.
    Love you all
    Cody and Sheri

  3. oh, Michelle, ((HUGS)) I'm so so sorry. And yet glad with you that he is in a place where he does have hope. I will be praying that he will seize onto that hope and see the light he needs to see to begin healing.

    And I'll be praying for his momma and her heart too.

  4. Michelle,
    I was thinking about you all day yesterday. I'll pray - and cry - and pray again for you, your family and your son.
    God is good.
    Love you -

  5. Hi Michelle,
    we just wanted to let you know that we know what it's like to see a loved one need more then what family and friends can give. What matters is he's now in a good safe place and God is GOOD! It's been so long since we've seen you and your growing family. We will be praying for God's peace and strength for your family as well as for your son. Love Jaselyn Utecht and family.

  6. heart just broke reading this! I think you are doing what is best for him tho! Sometimes they need more than we can give them.'s there!

  7. Hi Michelle;

    My heart is with you, as are my prayers. I will continue to pray that God would get your son's heart, in a way that would forever make his only addiction, his only longing, for God and His Kingdom. I pray for clarity of mind, I pray that the evil that satan meant this for, that God would use it for his good. I thank God that He is in this place and I pray that the things that need to be broken off would fall fast away and quickly. I pray for spiritual eyes and ears for your son, for vision for the path that God has for him. I pray against any alliance that would not be of God. That every moment he would be protected, covered and drawn into the heart of his Father.
    May our Father hold you tight, may you see his goodness all around you. Please let me know if you need more specific prayer...
    my email is

    I pray that many intercessors would stand with you and your family in this.
    I wish you could come over and I could hold you...know that you have a friend/sister in CT ;-)

    mama to 6
    one homemade and 5 adopted

  8. Praying..... for everyone.

  9. Michelle,

    I just read this last night and I was so overcome. I haven't been able to stop thinking of you. I am praying for your family.

    (We met at Lisa's house)


I love to hear what you have to say.